I am bad and I can’t fix things for my family…
We just keep riding around, parking all over the place, scrambling to sleep in our own spots in the van, looking for food and bathrooms – so, we are not in trouble.
I don’t sleep. I don’t eat right.
I am tired.
I can’t stop the arguing and fussing.
I just cover up my head, when I can. I try to hide.
Hide from stuff I can’t do anything about.
And, what I can help; somehow I can’t manage.
My mom and dad want me to be good. To do good in school. To behave. Not to be a problem. Not to make things worse.
But, school is the only place I can try to figure things out.
By figuring it out. I can’t talk about it.
I am not supposed to.
I am not supposed to tell anyone. Anything. It’s a family secret.
And, I don’t want to loose my family.
I love them. My mom, my dad and my sisters.
I love them.
I don’t want to mess up my family.
So, I can’t tell anybody that we don’t have a home or food. We just drive around, when we have some gas. Otherwise, we park near the school.
My sisters are younger than I am.
I am six years old. I am supposed to be in school.
Last year I went to school up here.
Then, we moved so my dad could work.
I went to another school.
But, I couldn’t behave and the school kept telling my parents I was bad.
My mom wasn’t able to handle me and my sisters. We lived in a motel room then.
So, my dad lost his job and we have been moving ever since.
It’s all my fault.
I am bad.
It’s all because I am bad. It’s me.
If it wasn’t for me, my dad would have a job. We would have a place to live.
We wouldn’t be hiding all the time.
I hide with my family.
I hide at school.
So, we rode to the next town. My dad tried to get a job.
That didn’t work.
We got up enough gas money and on to two more towns.
It’s been six months now. And, here we are.
So I have to be a big boy. The man of the family and take care of my family.
It’s all up to me.
But, I am so tired.
There’s no where to do my homework. Once the sun goes down and the library closes. That’s the end of reading or anything.
My dad goes to the library to check for jobs and emails. Mom stays in the van with us.
When he comes out, he is fussing. Fussing about what is going on and where the jobs are.
He used to work.
Now, He can’t find anything.
I am tired.
I just want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep forever.
The other kids make fun because I keep wearing the same clothes.
Even worse, I stink.
I know I stink.
But, they point at me and laugh.
It’s hard to wipe off in a Hardee’s sink.
We only get to go to the Laundromat when we get enough change.
When we do get money, it’s for food. For gas. Then, sometimes to was clothes.
My mom talks about my grandmother. That she is causing problems.
She thinks my grandmother told social services or the school that our family didn’t have anywhere to live.
And, we are in trouble.
It’s my fault.
I wish I could tell my mom and my dad about how I feel.
But, that just makes it worse.
They either jump on me or fuss at each other.
It’s the family secret. So, I can’t tell anybody at school.
I could loose my whole family.
We could loose each other. Forever.
Never see each other again.
I am so sad.
My grades are awful.
I can barely stay awake. Most of the time I have no idea what the teacher has said.
All I can hear are the other kids making fun of me.
That’s all I can hear.
It’s all my fault.